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Our special correspondent Otto Schmierkäse has conducted an exclusive interview with a newcomer politician who has been in the news a lot lately. Mr. Obaboono recently became the first half-human biped to win the Dumocratic primary for the high office of the Big Banana. If elected to that exalted office, Big Banana Obaboono promises to do the following:

Keep Hilarity Clanton on a lease….and keep a muzzle on her mate…after having him "fixed’.

Introduce "universal" health care for everybody under the poverty line and everybody worth over a million dollars, while simultaneously through taxation eliminating any group "in-between".

Withdraw from Iraq in LESS than 100 years…but only AFTER invading Iran.

Attack the oil shortage by dividing the oil industry’s huge profits into three parts: one part for the oil tycoons, one part for the politicians, and one part for token research and development projects so that other cronies can make money as well.

Stop illegal immigration by granting amnesty to everybody, provided he thinks they’ll vote for him.

Eliminate unemployment by exporting jobs, then counting the foreign workers as employed and subtracting that number from the "unemployed" at home.

Expand "no child left behind" by lowering the requirements for graduation to the point where even sit-com characters and pro basketball players could pass.

Improve national security by outlawing guns for everybody except the military, the police, the crips and the bloods.

Update the national flag by replacing it with a banana and watermelon…positioned like the old Soviet hammer and sickle.